Dear Florida, FUCK YOU and your damn curse that you've placed on me!! From getting sick, getting robbed, getting a cyst on my stomach, and then having to stay my birthday alone in a hotel room that smelled like piss 4 hours away from anybody because my alternator went out as soon as I got on the turnpike, you have ruined these past few months. Not only have you ruined my life on the outside, but ever since I moved into you I've felt as though my soul has been under constant attack and have not had but a small handful of nights that I'm not scared to stay awake or go to sleep.
Now, I can't do anything right. Granted that I always take full responsibility for all my actions and I never mean any harm from them, something has happened within me that has made me not think as far ahead as I normally would. All I know is during the past 2 visits, I've had to write many sorry emails. I won't go into details because you're not worth explaining them to, you piece of shit state! (Again, readers, I'm not talking about the people, but the state itself.)
The ONLY reason I stick around and put more money into you is my bf! If it weren't for him, I wouldn't even come visit you because I know something bad will happen. And now I'm prevented from ever being happy as long as I live in you. So one more time, I say FUCK YOU Florida and I hope you're the first state to go in the coming apocalypse. As long as people I know and care about get out first.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Catch up post.
Well, a lot has been happening in the past couple of months. It's been a big emotional roller coaster. I don't really know how to put it. It all revolves around my move to Ft. Lauderdale.
During the month of September, I was trying to ready myself for the move. I was excited but, at the same time, scared out of my mind. Many times, bad things had happened when I go to Florida. First time I went there, my ID was expired. Second time, I caught something that was luckily curable. Third time, I got a cyst on my lower ab area. Fourth time, my apartment was robbed. I swear, it's like Florida has a curse on me. I wanted to believe it was just all coincidence, but it was worse during the move.
During the last week in Arkansas, I was making my final byes and I could not talk to my family and close friends without crying. My mom would call and ask about the birthday/farewell party. 24 years I had live in Arkansas. I was born and raised there, and now it was time to go. I don't think I had a night that I wasn't crying. I know everybody says that I can go back and visit but I'm awful with that. I don't really talk to them much. I have that habit big time. But at least I always was right down from family. It was like I was leaving my old life behind. A lot of people say that can be a good thing, but for me it was like a part of me died. I have this empty, haunting feeling constantly now. It's caused me to get lazy and slightly paranoid. I don't do as much as I used to love. I just don't have the energy anymore. I feel like I don't have any connection with my more motivated, secure self.
The move was awful. It was the day before my birthday and that was when I wanted to leave. My family got together to say bye to me and celebrate my birthday one more time. I tried the entire time and went all the way till almost the end without crying. The thing that did it was my nephew telling me he loved me. Then I said bye to my parents, grandma and sister. I said good bye to my brother the day before when I saw my niece the day after she was born. It was the only time I saw her before leaving. I drove all night starting from 4:00pm on the 29th, my car packed with what I could fit of my life. I cried pretty much the whole way. For about 10 hours, I drove and cried. Then I had some car trouble when I stopped for gas. My car wouldn't start and I asked the girl working inside for a jump. That was super embarrassing, but it had to be done. A little ways further, I decided to stop at another gas station for some rest. Well, that didn't come because I was too paranoid about waking up and not being able to get a jump. So, after a few minutes of trying to sleep I tried to start my car and, again, it's dead. A cop give me a jump and points me towards Wal-Mart. I pulled in and noticed that my power steering starting to fuck up.
So, it's about 3am and I'm changing my car battery. I'm super tired from driving and getting covered in bugs from leaving over my car. When I'm done, I decide I'm still awake so I keep driving. The sun starts rising but it doesn't help keep me awake. I come up to the Florida turnpike and decide to stop for gas and power steering fluid. Come back to the car, doesn't start and I can't find the valve to add fluid... It DOESN'T have one because my power steering is electric so it's tied to my alternator. I could've went ahead and drove but I didn't wanna risk my power steering going out on the interstate. So I had to get towed to a tire shop and they couldn't get an alternator till the next day. The only close hotel was next door and it smelled like piss. So I spent my birthday alone in a nasty hotel room using half my rent money for car repairs. My only highlight was having a joint. Other than that, I cried myself to sleep wishing I could be home. I even told my boyfriend, Steven, I wanted to go home. But he encouraged me to keep on the next day. It wasn't till 6 the next night that I got back on the road. Didn't get to the house till 10 or 11. I feel like I haven't been emotionally right since. I'm just not happy there.
Steven is a great boyfriend. I'm lucky to have him.
During the month of September, I was trying to ready myself for the move. I was excited but, at the same time, scared out of my mind. Many times, bad things had happened when I go to Florida. First time I went there, my ID was expired. Second time, I caught something that was luckily curable. Third time, I got a cyst on my lower ab area. Fourth time, my apartment was robbed. I swear, it's like Florida has a curse on me. I wanted to believe it was just all coincidence, but it was worse during the move.
During the last week in Arkansas, I was making my final byes and I could not talk to my family and close friends without crying. My mom would call and ask about the birthday/farewell party. 24 years I had live in Arkansas. I was born and raised there, and now it was time to go. I don't think I had a night that I wasn't crying. I know everybody says that I can go back and visit but I'm awful with that. I don't really talk to them much. I have that habit big time. But at least I always was right down from family. It was like I was leaving my old life behind. A lot of people say that can be a good thing, but for me it was like a part of me died. I have this empty, haunting feeling constantly now. It's caused me to get lazy and slightly paranoid. I don't do as much as I used to love. I just don't have the energy anymore. I feel like I don't have any connection with my more motivated, secure self.
The move was awful. It was the day before my birthday and that was when I wanted to leave. My family got together to say bye to me and celebrate my birthday one more time. I tried the entire time and went all the way till almost the end without crying. The thing that did it was my nephew telling me he loved me. Then I said bye to my parents, grandma and sister. I said good bye to my brother the day before when I saw my niece the day after she was born. It was the only time I saw her before leaving. I drove all night starting from 4:00pm on the 29th, my car packed with what I could fit of my life. I cried pretty much the whole way. For about 10 hours, I drove and cried. Then I had some car trouble when I stopped for gas. My car wouldn't start and I asked the girl working inside for a jump. That was super embarrassing, but it had to be done. A little ways further, I decided to stop at another gas station for some rest. Well, that didn't come because I was too paranoid about waking up and not being able to get a jump. So, after a few minutes of trying to sleep I tried to start my car and, again, it's dead. A cop give me a jump and points me towards Wal-Mart. I pulled in and noticed that my power steering starting to fuck up.
So, it's about 3am and I'm changing my car battery. I'm super tired from driving and getting covered in bugs from leaving over my car. When I'm done, I decide I'm still awake so I keep driving. The sun starts rising but it doesn't help keep me awake. I come up to the Florida turnpike and decide to stop for gas and power steering fluid. Come back to the car, doesn't start and I can't find the valve to add fluid... It DOESN'T have one because my power steering is electric so it's tied to my alternator. I could've went ahead and drove but I didn't wanna risk my power steering going out on the interstate. So I had to get towed to a tire shop and they couldn't get an alternator till the next day. The only close hotel was next door and it smelled like piss. So I spent my birthday alone in a nasty hotel room using half my rent money for car repairs. My only highlight was having a joint. Other than that, I cried myself to sleep wishing I could be home. I even told my boyfriend, Steven, I wanted to go home. But he encouraged me to keep on the next day. It wasn't till 6 the next night that I got back on the road. Didn't get to the house till 10 or 11. I feel like I haven't been emotionally right since. I'm just not happy there.
Steven is a great boyfriend. I'm lucky to have him.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Fetish Force Time!
These photos are from my first shoot with Fetish Force!
More to come in the future from Fetish Force. Stay tuned into my blog and to www.fetishforce.com
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
I think this was an incredibly hot show and that we will be seeing more of him in future shows.
P.S. Yes, I have a rag in my mouth in the 3rd pic because I was using maximum impact for his big ass hand and butt plug!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
The Pandora's Box Effect
So there have been some issues along this trip. I'm not going to say what or who in this matter. This message is for everybody and yes, I'm about to get religious on you so if you don't wanna hear it... or read it then click off but it's going to be said.
There are many times when we feel that we can't help the way we do things. There are times when you feel the whole world is against you or people are watching you. When you're in a spotlight, then yes people are watching you. I personally feel it all the time. However, I do my best to make sure it's something that people like to see when I'm being watched. Some, however, feel this in a negative way. Let me just say that unless you give a reason, nobody is out to get you. Everybody judges you, but their judgement is merely an opinion until you worry about it so much that it becomes fact. When it does become fact, you put yourself in a box with all the negativity that you feel written all over it.
It is an unfortunate truth that some turn to drugs. No this is not an anti drug message either but I will say that certain things are only going to make this negativity worse. In your box you're cramped in trying not to look at what is written on the walls but the words burn their way through your eyelids and you can't help but see it all the time. You hear voices telling you all these negative things and before you know it, you're scared shitless and don't know what to do.
Deep down inside of you there will always be a light. A little flame that burns 24/7 that is being suppressed by all the negativity. The flame is the only thing, even with as small as it is, that keeps you going. It is hope. Hope that one day all of your problems will be solved. It is a hope that one day someone will reach out to put a small crack in the box you've trapped yourself in. It's only going to be a small crack. Once it's there it will never go away. It'll be there waiting for you to fuel the fires of hope within you and finally break free.
When you feel that all is lost and you have nothing and nobody, pray. It may feel odd at first but if you've got nobody and nothing to lose, why not? I'm not saying that you'll feel instantly better, but at the same time you'll feel like you just had a spiritual slap to the face and realize that you've been looking at things all wrong or just not in the best perspective. Trust that everything will always work out fine, even if it's not exactly how you want it to. Also, be thankful for what you do have. Be thankful for the people in your life and give them a chance when they try to help you. Eventually your fire will get brighter and brighter and in the darkest pits of your mind you'll break out of that box and everything will become lit up and clear.
Many people say that God hates gays and that we are all going to burn. Who are they to judge? Why can't gays be accepted? Why can't we be forgiven? Guess what! Jesus died for all of our sins, not just those who keep their faces buried in a bible. So come on now my gay brothers and sisters! Take some time to simply pray, even if it's not every day. There's nothing better than the peace of mind knowing that everything has a purpose and everything happens for a reason. If bad happens, turn in into an opportunity to come out stronger, not an excuse to keep fucking up. If nobody is around you to put that crack in your box to let your hope shine then let God do it. IT DOES GET BETTER!!!!
I'm no preacher or preacher's kid. I'm simply a man who has had some rough patches in life and have experienced the power of prayer. Again, things may not turn out exactly as you plan but as long as they work out then what do you have to bitch about? Find the hope deep down inside and let it flood you inside and out and break free of the box of negativity. Love yourself and be safe!
There are many times when we feel that we can't help the way we do things. There are times when you feel the whole world is against you or people are watching you. When you're in a spotlight, then yes people are watching you. I personally feel it all the time. However, I do my best to make sure it's something that people like to see when I'm being watched. Some, however, feel this in a negative way. Let me just say that unless you give a reason, nobody is out to get you. Everybody judges you, but their judgement is merely an opinion until you worry about it so much that it becomes fact. When it does become fact, you put yourself in a box with all the negativity that you feel written all over it.
It is an unfortunate truth that some turn to drugs. No this is not an anti drug message either but I will say that certain things are only going to make this negativity worse. In your box you're cramped in trying not to look at what is written on the walls but the words burn their way through your eyelids and you can't help but see it all the time. You hear voices telling you all these negative things and before you know it, you're scared shitless and don't know what to do.
Deep down inside of you there will always be a light. A little flame that burns 24/7 that is being suppressed by all the negativity. The flame is the only thing, even with as small as it is, that keeps you going. It is hope. Hope that one day all of your problems will be solved. It is a hope that one day someone will reach out to put a small crack in the box you've trapped yourself in. It's only going to be a small crack. Once it's there it will never go away. It'll be there waiting for you to fuel the fires of hope within you and finally break free.
When you feel that all is lost and you have nothing and nobody, pray. It may feel odd at first but if you've got nobody and nothing to lose, why not? I'm not saying that you'll feel instantly better, but at the same time you'll feel like you just had a spiritual slap to the face and realize that you've been looking at things all wrong or just not in the best perspective. Trust that everything will always work out fine, even if it's not exactly how you want it to. Also, be thankful for what you do have. Be thankful for the people in your life and give them a chance when they try to help you. Eventually your fire will get brighter and brighter and in the darkest pits of your mind you'll break out of that box and everything will become lit up and clear.
Many people say that God hates gays and that we are all going to burn. Who are they to judge? Why can't gays be accepted? Why can't we be forgiven? Guess what! Jesus died for all of our sins, not just those who keep their faces buried in a bible. So come on now my gay brothers and sisters! Take some time to simply pray, even if it's not every day. There's nothing better than the peace of mind knowing that everything has a purpose and everything happens for a reason. If bad happens, turn in into an opportunity to come out stronger, not an excuse to keep fucking up. If nobody is around you to put that crack in your box to let your hope shine then let God do it. IT DOES GET BETTER!!!!
I'm no preacher or preacher's kid. I'm simply a man who has had some rough patches in life and have experienced the power of prayer. Again, things may not turn out exactly as you plan but as long as they work out then what do you have to bitch about? Find the hope deep down inside and let it flood you inside and out and break free of the box of negativity. Love yourself and be safe!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)