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Thursday, December 6, 2012

Catch up post.

Well, a lot has been happening in the past couple of months. It's been a big emotional roller coaster. I don't really know how to put it. It all revolves around my move to Ft. Lauderdale.

During the month of September, I was trying to ready myself for the move. I was excited but, at the same time, scared out of my mind. Many times, bad things had happened when I go to Florida. First time I went there, my ID was expired. Second time, I caught something that was luckily curable. Third time, I got a cyst on my lower ab area. Fourth time, my apartment was robbed. I swear, it's like Florida has a curse on me. I wanted to believe it was just all coincidence, but it was worse during the move.

During the last week in Arkansas, I was making my final byes and I could not talk to my family and close friends without crying. My mom would call and ask about the birthday/farewell party. 24 years I had live in Arkansas. I was born and raised there, and now it was time to go. I don't think I had a night that I wasn't crying. I know everybody says that I can go back and visit but I'm awful with that. I don't really talk to them much. I have that habit big time. But at least I always was right down from family. It was like I was leaving my old life behind. A lot of people say that can be a good thing, but for me it was like a part of me died. I have this empty, haunting feeling constantly now. It's caused me to get lazy and slightly paranoid. I don't do as much as I used to love. I just don't have the energy anymore. I feel like I don't have any connection with my more motivated, secure self.

The move was awful. It was the day before my birthday and that was when I wanted to leave. My family got together to say bye to me and celebrate my birthday one more time. I tried the entire time and went all the way till almost the end without crying. The thing that did it was my nephew telling me he loved me. Then I said bye to my parents, grandma and sister. I said good bye to my brother the day before when I saw my niece the day after she was born. It was the only time I saw her before leaving. I drove all night starting from 4:00pm on the 29th, my car packed with what I could fit of my life. I cried pretty much the whole way. For about 10 hours, I drove and cried. Then I had some car trouble when I stopped for gas. My car wouldn't start and I asked the girl working inside for a jump. That was super embarrassing, but it had to be done. A little ways further, I decided to stop at another gas station for some rest. Well, that didn't come because I was too paranoid about waking up and not being able to get a jump. So, after a few minutes of trying to sleep I tried to start my car and, again, it's dead. A cop give me a jump and points me towards Wal-Mart. I pulled in and noticed that my power steering starting to fuck up.

So, it's about 3am and I'm changing my car battery. I'm super tired from driving and getting covered in bugs from leaving over my car. When I'm done, I decide I'm still awake so I keep driving. The sun starts rising but it doesn't help keep me awake. I come up to the Florida turnpike and decide to stop for gas and power steering fluid. Come back to the car, doesn't start and I can't find the valve to add fluid... It DOESN'T have one because my power steering is electric so it's tied to my alternator. I could've went ahead and drove but I didn't wanna risk my power steering going out on the interstate. So I had to get towed to a tire shop and they couldn't get an alternator till the next day. The only close hotel was next door and it smelled like piss. So I spent my birthday alone in a nasty hotel room using half my rent money for car repairs. My only highlight was having a joint. Other than that, I cried myself to sleep wishing I could be home. I even told my boyfriend, Steven, I wanted to go home. But he encouraged me to keep on the next day. It wasn't till 6 the next night that I got back on the road. Didn't get to the house till 10 or 11. I feel like I haven't been emotionally right since. I'm just not happy there.

Steven is a great boyfriend. I'm lucky to have him.

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