So there have been some issues along this trip. I'm not going to say what or who in this matter. This message is for everybody and yes, I'm about to get religious on you so if you don't wanna hear it... or read it then click off but it's going to be said.
There are many times when we feel that we can't help the way we do things. There are times when you feel the whole world is against you or people are watching you. When you're in a spotlight, then yes people are watching you. I personally feel it all the time. However, I do my best to make sure it's something that people like to see when I'm being watched. Some, however, feel this in a negative way. Let me just say that unless you give a reason, nobody is out to get you. Everybody judges you, but their judgement is merely an opinion until you worry about it so much that it becomes fact. When it does become fact, you put yourself in a box with all the negativity that you feel written all over it.
It is an unfortunate truth that some turn to drugs. No this is not an anti drug message either but I will say that certain things are only going to make this negativity worse. In your box you're cramped in trying not to look at what is written on the walls but the words burn their way through your eyelids and you can't help but see it all the time. You hear voices telling you all these negative things and before you know it, you're scared shitless and don't know what to do.
Deep down inside of you there will always be a light. A little flame that burns 24/7 that is being suppressed by all the negativity. The flame is the only thing, even with as small as it is, that keeps you going. It is hope. Hope that one day all of your problems will be solved. It is a hope that one day someone will reach out to put a small crack in the box you've trapped yourself in. It's only going to be a small crack. Once it's there it will never go away. It'll be there waiting for you to fuel the fires of hope within you and finally break free.
When you feel that all is lost and you have nothing and nobody, pray. It may feel odd at first but if you've got nobody and nothing to lose, why not? I'm not saying that you'll feel instantly better, but at the same time you'll feel like you just had a spiritual slap to the face and realize that you've been looking at things all wrong or just not in the best perspective. Trust that everything will always work out fine, even if it's not exactly how you want it to. Also, be thankful for what you do have. Be thankful for the people in your life and give them a chance when they try to help you. Eventually your fire will get brighter and brighter and in the darkest pits of your mind you'll break out of that box and everything will become lit up and clear.
Many people say that God hates gays and that we are all going to burn. Who are they to judge? Why can't gays be accepted? Why can't we be forgiven? Guess what! Jesus died for all of our sins, not just those who keep their faces buried in a bible. So come on now my gay brothers and sisters! Take some time to simply pray, even if it's not every day. There's nothing better than the peace of mind knowing that everything has a purpose and everything happens for a reason. If bad happens, turn in into an opportunity to come out stronger, not an excuse to keep fucking up. If nobody is around you to put that crack in your box to let your hope shine then let God do it. IT DOES GET BETTER!!!!
I'm no preacher or preacher's kid. I'm simply a man who has had some rough patches in life and have experienced the power of prayer. Again, things may not turn out exactly as you plan but as long as they work out then what do you have to bitch about? Find the hope deep down inside and let it flood you inside and out and break free of the box of negativity. Love yourself and be safe!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
My plans for home
OMG! I've got 2 weeks left till I go home. However, I've got to make sure I can make these next two weeks as profitable as all possible. I'm behind on my car and water payments and my rent is coming up. I'm soooooo ready to be home though. Not that I don't love traveling with Jason, but 2 months of being away from home is a bit much. As long as I get my payments made, I got me a nice little schedule for being at home.
Really, It's gonna be the same thing every day. I'll get up, make my breakfast of a veggie omelet made with egg whites and a bowl of oatmeal mixed with banana or pear gerber baby food.
After that I'll go do HIIT on the treadmill for about 5-6 intervals and then do the 30 minute interval program on the bike.
Next, I'll go back to my place, hop on cam4 and chat with the fans while I make and eat my turkey burgers. It's like my way of having lunch with you all around the world. I may occasionally put on a little show. I'll probably just stay on for lunch then either hop on some Mortal Kombat. Or better yet, try to find ways to earn a little money.
After the afternoon activities I'll go out to the gym again, possibly with my old workout buddy if he still goes at the same time, and do whichever work out that's on the P90X schedule. Come back, eat, maybe earn some more money. If not then I'll just go out to the club.
That's basically how my life is gonna be back home. It will be so much easier. I also need to get on trying to make appearances at the local gay clubs to earn a little more extra. Gotta love it! When I come back I'm gonna be the best I've ever been! I don't wanna make my career into a competition, nor do I wanna make enemies. I'm just here to be me and inspire others to live their dreams. I'm gonna be like nothing you've ever seen.
Really, It's gonna be the same thing every day. I'll get up, make my breakfast of a veggie omelet made with egg whites and a bowl of oatmeal mixed with banana or pear gerber baby food.
After that I'll go do HIIT on the treadmill for about 5-6 intervals and then do the 30 minute interval program on the bike.
Next, I'll go back to my place, hop on cam4 and chat with the fans while I make and eat my turkey burgers. It's like my way of having lunch with you all around the world. I may occasionally put on a little show. I'll probably just stay on for lunch then either hop on some Mortal Kombat. Or better yet, try to find ways to earn a little money.
After the afternoon activities I'll go out to the gym again, possibly with my old workout buddy if he still goes at the same time, and do whichever work out that's on the P90X schedule. Come back, eat, maybe earn some more money. If not then I'll just go out to the club.
That's basically how my life is gonna be back home. It will be so much easier. I also need to get on trying to make appearances at the local gay clubs to earn a little more extra. Gotta love it! When I come back I'm gonna be the best I've ever been! I don't wanna make my career into a competition, nor do I wanna make enemies. I'm just here to be me and inspire others to live their dreams. I'm gonna be like nothing you've ever seen.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
A little bit of randomness
Yeah, so I decided to do a little show today on my own. What can I say? I just got horny. It happens to all of us.
I'm hungry now...
Have I ever told y'all about Redbeard the Butt Pirate? Well it's gonna be my first big major motion porn picture. It's gonna be like the Pirates of the Caribbean but only better. Gonna call it The Chronicles of Redbeard the Butt Pirate. Plan on making it a trilogy. While I'm home in July I'm gonna start writing it. I plan on starting it all off with the first one being mostly funny. The next one being slightly more serious but still funny. The last one will be a tear jerker with a little comedy. Y'all are going to love it! It's all also gonna have something for everybody; str8, gay, bi, lesbian, fisting, s&m etc. This is going to be the best porn movie EVER!!!! That and plus I plan to do my own porn take on Harry Potter.
I'm hungry now...
Have I ever told y'all about Redbeard the Butt Pirate? Well it's gonna be my first big major motion porn picture. It's gonna be like the Pirates of the Caribbean but only better. Gonna call it The Chronicles of Redbeard the Butt Pirate. Plan on making it a trilogy. While I'm home in July I'm gonna start writing it. I plan on starting it all off with the first one being mostly funny. The next one being slightly more serious but still funny. The last one will be a tear jerker with a little comedy. Y'all are going to love it! It's all also gonna have something for everybody; str8, gay, bi, lesbian, fisting, s&m etc. This is going to be the best porn movie EVER!!!! That and plus I plan to do my own porn take on Harry Potter.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
My Grabbys Weekend
So it finally came to pass. I went to the Grabby awards and even presented. I was so honored to finally be among so many porn stars and to present the award for best cam site. However, I felt so incredibly out of place.
I was really having a lot of fun on twitter talking with everybody. I really thought that I was ready to meet and hang out with everybody but when I did, I just locked up. I didn't know what to say. I felt like I had nothing in common with anybody except for being 420 friendly. I think what was really getting to me was one of my worst features which is that I'm a little slow to understand what people ask or talk about. I don't like asking people to repeat or clerify what they said because it makes me feel dumb. This little trait really about fucked things up between me and Howard. He asked if Jason and I fucked bareback and I misunderstood the question because of background noise and being drunk and told him yes. That started things between them two and I felt so bad. But luckily we got it settled peacefully.
Secondly, I felt like I was just completely out of shape and too hairy and the others were looking at me and thinking "eww! Why the fuck is he here thinking he can be a part of us?" I mean, yeah I got a bunch of compliments about my look but I felt like I wasn't cut enough and too hairy and too white. And even though I was honored to be a presenter at the Grabbys, when I went up on stage I felt like I had so many looks of negativity. I really wanted to run off the stage because felt like I was, again, out of place.
Another thing that got to me was that I could only say that the only work I've done was the live cam shows while everybody else has at least done something in a studio. When people asked me my story I was tempted to say "I'm just lucky to be here." I actually went into one of my down times, time when my depression hits hard.
I really can't wait till my break in July. I'm gonna do my best to get myself into the shape I really wanted to be in before I started working with Jason. This has all started so fast and I don't know if I was ready. Maybe when I get back home I'll be able to center myself and be closer to my fitness goals. I've made the promise that I'll come back a beast. I've met all my other goals so I'm going to make sure I meet this one too. Just y'all wait and see.
I was really having a lot of fun on twitter talking with everybody. I really thought that I was ready to meet and hang out with everybody but when I did, I just locked up. I didn't know what to say. I felt like I had nothing in common with anybody except for being 420 friendly. I think what was really getting to me was one of my worst features which is that I'm a little slow to understand what people ask or talk about. I don't like asking people to repeat or clerify what they said because it makes me feel dumb. This little trait really about fucked things up between me and Howard. He asked if Jason and I fucked bareback and I misunderstood the question because of background noise and being drunk and told him yes. That started things between them two and I felt so bad. But luckily we got it settled peacefully.
Secondly, I felt like I was just completely out of shape and too hairy and the others were looking at me and thinking "eww! Why the fuck is he here thinking he can be a part of us?" I mean, yeah I got a bunch of compliments about my look but I felt like I wasn't cut enough and too hairy and too white. And even though I was honored to be a presenter at the Grabbys, when I went up on stage I felt like I had so many looks of negativity. I really wanted to run off the stage because felt like I was, again, out of place.
Another thing that got to me was that I could only say that the only work I've done was the live cam shows while everybody else has at least done something in a studio. When people asked me my story I was tempted to say "I'm just lucky to be here." I actually went into one of my down times, time when my depression hits hard.
I really can't wait till my break in July. I'm gonna do my best to get myself into the shape I really wanted to be in before I started working with Jason. This has all started so fast and I don't know if I was ready. Maybe when I get back home I'll be able to center myself and be closer to my fitness goals. I've made the promise that I'll come back a beast. I've met all my other goals so I'm going to make sure I meet this one too. Just y'all wait and see.
Monday, May 16, 2011
The Gamer Side of Porn
Now that I've shown y'all just a little of what I can do in my cam shows, I'd really like to let you know a little of what I plan to do in the future.
First let me start off saying that I basically grew up playing video games. Every time my parents needed me to be occupied or to stay out of the kitchen or whatever they pretty much just put me down in front of the tv and had me pick up the controller. In a way the game was pretty much my babysitter. I always loved the fighting games... not all of them though. I wasn't too big on Tekken or Killer Instinct. I was always a Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter fan.
I could probably tell you just about everything there is to know about MK. From the story of the first to the last days of Armageddon. I think what really attracted me to it was, in the first game, Raiden. When it first came out they spelled it Rayden. Ah well either way he was bad ass. Then the second one came out with the two hottest bitches to EVER sweep the video game world, Kitana and Mileena. Really, it was the weapons they used. I've never seen anything like those big as fans that could decapitate somebody. Also, the sai daggers. I, again, have never seen anything like them and thought to myself "I want some of those so bad."
Well, to make a long story short, I pretty much lived my life up until about August being a hardcore gamer. Now, I'll admit that when a good game comes out or something that I've been excited about comes out then I do switch into gamer mode and make sure I get it. Now that I have gone from "gamer geek" to adult model, I really want to bring a lot of elements that have made me who I am into my work. Along with that I may even buy some products such as Timoteos and Fort Troff toys and just have somebody take pics with my own little twist.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to completely change the way the porn industry works. However, I do plan to make a HELL of an impact and make sure people have a new found respect for one of my favorite pass times. Like I always say, I'm gonna be the hottest gamer geek out of Arkansas to hit the porn industry. Before my first year is over I will be known by thousands.
First let me start off saying that I basically grew up playing video games. Every time my parents needed me to be occupied or to stay out of the kitchen or whatever they pretty much just put me down in front of the tv and had me pick up the controller. In a way the game was pretty much my babysitter. I always loved the fighting games... not all of them though. I wasn't too big on Tekken or Killer Instinct. I was always a Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter fan.
I could probably tell you just about everything there is to know about MK. From the story of the first to the last days of Armageddon. I think what really attracted me to it was, in the first game, Raiden. When it first came out they spelled it Rayden. Ah well either way he was bad ass. Then the second one came out with the two hottest bitches to EVER sweep the video game world, Kitana and Mileena. Really, it was the weapons they used. I've never seen anything like those big as fans that could decapitate somebody. Also, the sai daggers. I, again, have never seen anything like them and thought to myself "I want some of those so bad."
Well, to make a long story short, I pretty much lived my life up until about August being a hardcore gamer. Now, I'll admit that when a good game comes out or something that I've been excited about comes out then I do switch into gamer mode and make sure I get it. Now that I have gone from "gamer geek" to adult model, I really want to bring a lot of elements that have made me who I am into my work. Along with that I may even buy some products such as Timoteos and Fort Troff toys and just have somebody take pics with my own little twist.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to completely change the way the porn industry works. However, I do plan to make a HELL of an impact and make sure people have a new found respect for one of my favorite pass times. Like I always say, I'm gonna be the hottest gamer geek out of Arkansas to hit the porn industry. Before my first year is over I will be known by thousands.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
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