So it finally came to pass. I went to the Grabby awards and even presented. I was so honored to finally be among so many porn stars and to present the award for best cam site. However, I felt so incredibly out of place.
I was really having a lot of fun on twitter talking with everybody. I really thought that I was ready to meet and hang out with everybody but when I did, I just locked up. I didn't know what to say. I felt like I had nothing in common with anybody except for being 420 friendly. I think what was really getting to me was one of my worst features which is that I'm a little slow to understand what people ask or talk about. I don't like asking people to repeat or clerify what they said because it makes me feel dumb. This little trait really about fucked things up between me and Howard. He asked if Jason and I fucked bareback and I misunderstood the question because of background noise and being drunk and told him yes. That started things between them two and I felt so bad. But luckily we got it settled peacefully.
Secondly, I felt like I was just completely out of shape and too hairy and the others were looking at me and thinking "eww! Why the fuck is he here thinking he can be a part of us?" I mean, yeah I got a bunch of compliments about my look but I felt like I wasn't cut enough and too hairy and too white. And even though I was honored to be a presenter at the Grabbys, when I went up on stage I felt like I had so many looks of negativity. I really wanted to run off the stage because felt like I was, again, out of place.
Another thing that got to me was that I could only say that the only work I've done was the live cam shows while everybody else has at least done something in a studio. When people asked me my story I was tempted to say "I'm just lucky to be here." I actually went into one of my down times, time when my depression hits hard.
I really can't wait till my break in July. I'm gonna do my best to get myself into the shape I really wanted to be in before I started working with Jason. This has all started so fast and I don't know if I was ready. Maybe when I get back home I'll be able to center myself and be closer to my fitness goals. I've made the promise that I'll come back a beast. I've met all my other goals so I'm going to make sure I meet this one too. Just y'all wait and see.